Compound it.

Woot.  I love stuccoing SO much, I decided to do it again!

Well really, I may not think a stuccoed room is the beez neez, but I DO really think that it makes a bad plastered wall with layer upon layer of un-removable wallpaper look a TON better.  As ghetto fixes go, I like it the best, and frankly to get stuccoed walls can be expensive, so eh....I'm just hoping someone likes it.  

So, what did I stucco?  Using drywall compound I stuccoed our guest room walls which were damaged by a plethora of nails and screws (I mean a ton of nails and I do not know why they were there.....).  I also put on the second layer of drywall compound to the new drywall and all of this will be ready to prime tomorrow.  I will also prime the baseboards (which are black!) white to repaint them white at a later date.  

After the primer is dried....I have a pretty SHARK blue I am putting on the walls.  I wanted to put a peaceful color on the walls since a calming color aids with sleep.  I am excited for that :o).  

Being that it is a new year, I was reflecting on what last year meant to me and to Nate.  For Nate, I believe it was one of the happiest years of his life.  He has been exploring his thoughts on many differing topics like God, government, and his general life outlook, and I believe he is reaching a viewpoint consistent with the non-aggression principal.  This makes him feel more at ease with himself and his surroundings.  He has also spent time trying to understand others and be more empathetic; understanding others' motivation, and his own, has resulted in him feeling more comfortable with himself.

But what about my year?  Last year was a year of goodbyes for me.  I officially quit medical school, and although I had been considering it for a while, having to do it was a big jump and VERY final (many people do not understand that you cannot leave medicine and return, if I did so I would have to go through all the school I have already done again, after taking the MCAT and apply to schools again).  I officially said goodbye to the identity I had thought I would have for years- being a physician.  Now my future is very different from what I had thought, and I deal with a loss of vocation (not much you can do with 2 years of med school). 

 DON"T GET ME WRONG. I'm not complaining and wishing I had stayed in medicine.  It was the wrong fit for me: I had difficulty with the demands on my person that would have been required had I been a doctor- constant access to me via patients and constant responsibility both for others lives and being under a microscope as to my behavior (people expect doctors to be perfect).  Additionally, the time required of me for at least the next 6-10 years and beyond was unacceptable when I want to be a mother very involved with my children, and want to be passionate in my marriage.  Medicine and I are divorced from each other.  We never had a good relationship of true understanding (although I thought it was a good fit at one point...when I didn't foresee children being of much import to me) ;o).

But this doesn't change the fact I now have no vocation....after 18 years of schooling.  This was a goodbye- Goodbye to my self identity and Goodbye to a vocation that - let us all admit it- makes money.  Now I have little to contribute in that aspect but have an additional little friend of debt to deal with <shakes head>.

First thing I did today was cut the new carpet remnant for the floor.

Another small goodbye this past year was my goodbye to my first standard poodle (Odyssey) who I placed in a new home (she has a WONDERFUL new mommy who takes her down to Florida on vacation frequently!).    

Today I feel down looking at the past four years since starting medical school.  It feels like there is not much to show from all the work, and even this house has not improved as much as I would like.  My fear is we will not be able to finish it to move in time and we will be stuck in this house for longer.  Why do I want to move now so badly?  I want my dogs to have more room to run...they are my children and I want them to have the happiest life I can provide them.  

 Nate would ask me at this point, what need am I lacking that is affecting me so?  I need to feel like I am doing the best I can for my dogs.  I also need to move on in my life.  This house represents a very different dream and path that neither of us really wants anymore.  We wanted to live in an upscale area in Columbus, be able to walk to cool bars and restaurants, and I wanted to walk in to medical school.  We rarely walk to places (we do but it doesn't warrant living here) and I am not in med school.  So, I am tired of sitting in stasis and need to MOVE ON.  I want this chrysalis to burst open and see what is next in our life.  Feeling stuck in life is distressful.

Let's end on a positive note!

I am looking forward to a lot of things this year.  A year of positive changes to Nate and my life.  Improvements in our home, sale of our home, and moving somewhere new.  Hoping for a new job for Nate (potentially).  

Hoping for a year of HELLOS!